We Live, We Die

Does it all depend on luck in the end? I've been so positive the past few weeks and because of that a lot of doors have opened up. But I also realised that you can loose everything in a heartbeat. An acquaintance of mine died last week. I didn’t know him well but I knew his father well and used to work with his wife. He was best friends with my cousin. I didn’t expect his death to touch me like it did. I mean the one moment, there he was – happily married, stable job, family who loved him, lots of friends, he was popular, well-known. And in a heartbeat he was gone. He was in the hospital for a week, I think – in a coma. He came out of the coma. He was sent home. Everything seemed fine and the next thing I hear, he’s dead.

Things can change so quickly. Blissfully happy the one moment and heartbroken the next. Is there anything we can do to escape this phenomena? How can we prevent this from happening to us? How can I guarantee that this won’t happen to me?

The thing is you can’t. There’s nothing you can do except appreciate and respect life. Live for the moment. Don’t fear the past or the future. LIVE your life. Be grateful. Embrace it. Roll with the punches. This connects us all. We live and we die.

I know life can be hard sometimes. You may feel like you’re living in hell. But we all have moments of happiness (how brief it may be) – savour it and draw strength from it. It balances out in the end – I believe that. In these times of good fortune, I look back and I am thankful for the times it didn’t go so well because I appreciate today so much more. I have gained more wisdom/life-experience because of it. And when hardship hits me again, I’ll be strong enough to look it straight in the eye and get through it.

I'm still alive! LOL!

Okay, so I haven't been blogging much and not gonna bore you with talking about how busy I am... I AM gonna tell you that since we last spoke, I have changed my relationship status from single to actually being in one! I'm so stoked! Anyway, I've also joined the rest of the world and bought a car! Yay! Feel really, really blessed and I'm grateful. Can't wait to spend Christmas with my family and my boo. Feels like I'm living in a fairy tale. And as the year speeds to its end, remember to take time to reflect on the past and plan for the future...

Long time no blog

Okay, so I haven’t been blogging so much lately and since work’s email isn’t working, I’ve decided to take the chance and share a couple of thoughts. Life has really been a rollercoaster ride, since the last time I wrote on this blog. I’ve been so busy at work, and buying a car (yes, I finally did it!!!) and dating this guy, that I haven’t had time to do anything else. It’s amazing how much things have changed in a year. It feels as if my life has summersaulted.

I never thought I would be able to say this but work is actually fun. I finally got my learner’s and a car (bonus) – it’s been on every New Year’s resolution list for the last 5/6 years and this year I went ahead and I did it! I met a wonderful guy and we’re taking it slow (something I’m not quite used to but is working like a bomb) and I am at peace with myself and everyone around me. I have so many blessing that I am thankful for and I really hope that I’ll manage to keep the balance between my love life, family and career.

I think I’m gonna celebrate Thanksgiving (just the idea of giving thanks – not the American pilgrim stuff) this year. Maybe I’ll even invite some friends over to celebrate it with me because I have been seriously blessed and it’ll be good to spread the love. May all of you out there reading this find the same happiness and peace as we near the end of the year!

Reflection

I was about fifteen and me and my father were working on getting to know each other better. I remember he asked me, “What do you want the most out of life?” My response was simple, “I just want love and happiness.” His was, “Is that all?”

He went on and with a puzzled look on his face, he asked me if I didn’t want a car, a house, possessions… and as young and stupid as I was then, I pitied him. We were on different levels. He valued possessions and status; I was more interested in emotions, morals and spirituality.

He was trying to figure out what he could give me to make me happy. What possession, that is… and I guess he didn’t quite understand that just being there when I needed him would have done the trick. He wasn’t there… never. Guess he never figured it out.

My relationship with my father or lack thereof, has definitely and will probably forever influence the relationships I have with various men in my life. I have issues with abandonment, trust and probably a whole lot of other stuff I am not even aware of. I work hard at relationships and often go overboard to show my affection. At the back of my mind I always believe that somewhere down the line; this man will let me down. Whether it’s an uncle, a brother or a boyfriend.

Circumstances have shaped my identity - who I am today. I guess I will have to work on trying to overcome the obstacles created by my past but I’m also stronger because of it and I’m thankful that I can see why it was maybe necessary.

You're looking at the wrong guy!

I just can't get enough of Beyoncé's Why Don't You Love Me, maybe because until recently I could relate to it ;) So today I decided to post the lyrics to this groovy song and dedicate it to all the honeys out there who can't understand why their dream guy just can't seem to fall in love with them... You're looking at the wrong guy, girls!!! Don't worry ladies... the right man is out there somewhere! Uhhh unless he's dead - then I'm sorry... that's tough. Maybe you should start playing for the other team then :) In any case, good luck finding them soul mates!


BEYONCÉ - WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME LYRICS

Now, now, now, honey
You better sit down and look around
Cause you must've bumped yo' head
And I love you enough to talk some sense back into you, baby
I'd hate to see you come home, me the kids
And the dog is gone
Check my credentials...
I give you everything you want everything you need
Even your friends say I'm a good woman
All I need to know is why?

Why don't you love me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you love me
When I make me so damn easy to love?
And why don't you need me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you need me
When I make me so damn easy to need?

I got beauty, I got class
I got style, and I got @ss
And you don't even care to care
Looka here
I even put money in the bank account
Don't have to ask no one to help me out
You don't even notice that

Why don't you love me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you love me
When I make me so damn easy to love?
Why don't you need me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you need me
When I make me so damn easy to need?

I got beauty, I got heart
Keep my head in them books, I'm sharp
But you don't care to know I'm smart
Now, now now now now now now
I got moves in your bedroom
Keep you happy with the nasty things I do
But you don't seem to be in tune
Ooh.....

Why don't you love me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you love me
When I make me so damn easy to love?
Why don't you need me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you need me
When I make me so damn easy to need?

There's nothing not to love about me
No, no, there's nothing not to love about me
I'm lovely
There's nothing not to need about me
No, no, there's nothing not to need about me
Maybe you're just not the one
Or maybe you're just plain....... DUMB

The light has returned...

The light has returned and it’s bursting out of my drained body like the sun bursting through a forest filled with dark trees, letting the light bleed through it. I feel happy and care-free and at peace. I want this feeling of giddy joy to last forever but on earth, impossible feelings like these don’t last... Happiness is not a constant state.
But a smile lingers at the corners of my mouth, my heart, thirsty for love – yet an abundance of happiness, joy, pleasure, delight and glee escape my lips. I only see puffy clouds and vibrant flowers… Many tiny butterflies are tickling my insides with the light, playful flutter of their wings. I giggle inside and my eyes are aglow. This feeling is extra special because I made it myself – I didn’t rely on anything or... anyone else to wake it up inside of me. It came out of me – out of my mind. I believed it into existence. I focussed on it being real. And no one can take it away from me. I used to look for happiness outside of myself. But realise that it can only be found inside. Everything else is an additional benefit. With this wondrous, glorious feeling comes a wave of self-confidence. I bask in it and nourish it. It might not last long but at least I know this kind of happiness is built on something solid, something inside of me and not another person. I can only be honest with myself and believe in myself to make my dreams come true. For I am the only person I can trust…

Untitled

Your breath gets caught in your throat. Your heart beats faster but your body gets cold. And then your cheeks turn red and warm. A dull pain forms in the centre of your chest and like a stain forming on a carpet - it spreads out to the rest of your body and by the time it hits your brain, it's too late because a tear has already spilled over onto your cheek and is making its way down your face, leaving a trail of bruises.
Time has stopped, no sound, no visuals, no thoughts. Just a heavy feeling of pain, despair, regret, betrayal all mixed in one.
I guess its better than feeling nothing, however brief the moment was for you, pain means life. It’s part of the experience. But what you do with it, is up to you.

Everything's changing!

I asked for strenght today. Strength to deal with a situation and even though I didn't handle it quite the way I wanted to - I still won today. Things changed for the better for me. I have an opportunity to love and be loved without holding back. I haven't been distracted. I'm more motivated than ever to make a success out of my life and I even feel stronger. It's getting easier to recover from my setbacks and I am finally learning that priorities change, you change, life changes and change is good. Someone once said that a successful person is someone who can adapt with change and I'm finally getting the hang of it. Focused, in control and loving my life!

Morning

This morning I was lying in bed, snuggling up to my scattered pillows, testing the coldness by exposing a toe from under the warm, toasty duvet and enjoying that safe, warm, grateful feeling you get, listening to the pitta patta of raindrops on the roof and the powerful wind blowing outside. Sookie-cat noticed me move and immediately jumped on the bed. She bit my toe. Then she came to sit on my chest. I moved away from her, turned my head to the other side, but she just came that side and pushed her moist, cold nose against my cheek. No escape. I put my head under the duvet and breathed in the warm, sleepy air. Sookie dug her nails into the duvet. She knows I can never keep my head under the duvet for long because I suffer from Claustrophobia. I pull the duvet away from my face and gulp the fresh, frosty air. Now, I'm awake. No more sleep for me.

I check my cellphone lying beside me on its pillow throne. It's 5:42. Great! I usually get up at 05:55 to switch on the radio - 5fm, my favourite radio breakfast show. Then I switch on my en-suite bathroom light, so it can flush my bedroom - not the bedroom light as it will be too bright. I still want to cuddle myself for 20 minutes or so and drift between sleep and awake. And then I open the door for Sookie so she can go outside and do her business. And then I open the window, so she can come back inside when she's done. This sounds like it takes about a few minutes but in reality it takes only a minute and then I jump back into bed, grateful for its warmth. I swim in it, indulge in it and then when my body heat is back to sleep level, just when my mind starts to leave the shore, just when my limbs start to relax again, just when my breathing become deep again, my alarm goes off. I try to ignore it but the irritating sound drills through my sleepy skull. I frantically search for the phone with my one hand. It fell off the bed. Now I actually have to move my whole body to pick it up and stop the alarm. Finally peace and quiet again.

I roll back onto my back. Sigh, yawn, and stretch. Today is going to be long day and its cold. What to wear? Before I get out of bed, I pray a quick prayer - Please give me strength to get through this day, Lord. I jump out of bed, get my gown on - it's old, dirty pink and I lost the belt but it's the most comfortable thing ever. First stop is usually the loo. Then I wash my hands and go to the kitchen. Check Sookie's bowls. Get my breakfast and lunch ready for work. Go back to the bedroom, get my cell and remote control out from under the pillows, put it on the counter where my lunch is waiting in the kitchen. This way, I have to take my phone when I take my lunch.

Make the bed. Pick out an outfit. Shower. By this time Sookie is back. She likes to sit in the bathroom, while I shower; I think it's the warmth of the steam. Brush my teeth. Moisturise, roll-on, put on clothes. Brush my hair. This is usually a mission. My hair never wants to do what I want it to do - NEVER! Then I apply a bit of eye-liner - without it my face always looks drab - sometimes I even add mascara and eye-shadow. Then I get my jacket. Spray some deodorant/perfume all around. I switch off the lights. Check that I take my phone, my lunch and take out my bus ticket, so I don't have to dig around in my bag, while I'm waiting on the bus. I switch off the radio, check that the window is open for Sookie and open curtains. Switch off kitchen light, lock my door and I'm off to the bus stop. It usually takes me 30 minutes to get ready every morning. I love my routine. While at the bus stop I usually chat with a friend I made who also takes the same bus. We share stories about stuff that happened the previous day. And when the bus comes - we don't even have to stop it because the bus driver knows us already - I take a deep breath! My morning starts here!

Shopping

A colleague and I started chatting the other day and at one point we started talking about malls. Now everyone who knows me well, knows that I don’t like malls. I prefer small shopping centres or stand-alone shops. Maybe because before I go shopping, I make sure I know exactly what I want. I go into this specific shop, I get what I want and I leave. Usually there’s no browsing through items, no fitting on clothes and (heaven forbid) no window shopping. My colleague responded and said, “How interesting. Because I’m the total opposite.” He told me that he takes his time when he shops. He likes fitting on clothes and he goes into every shop. Needless to say he loves malls. And then, I can’t remember if it was me or him who stumbled across this awesome metaphor (it was me) but someone said (me): “Hey, it’s almost like dating!” And a door opened up. It was! It absolutely WAS like dating!

He liked going to the mall to do his shopping – he liked going out to clubs to do his “shopping”. I am impatient when it comes to “shopping”. You get it? Anyway, when I walk into a store, I know exactly what I’m looking for and I don’t compromise. But every so often I get swindled by a smooth sales pitch or like most women I can easily fall for a pair of fabulous stilettos or fairy-wing-like underwear. Okay, back to him. He said he goes into every shop in a mall to take a look at the merchandise – I only go to the shops I usually buy from. Come to think of it, I’ve never gone into any other shops than the ones I’m used to. While my colleague likes looking at everything the shops have to offer. He loves fitting on clothes in the shops. I hate it! I like fitting on clothes at home and when it doesn’t fit, I return it. He likes taking his time with his items. I pick what I want, commit and get the hell out of there. Basically, I think malls are symbolic of social establishments people occupy in order to find their mates. I love it! It makes perfectly sense.

I have another friend who takes forever just picking out coffee or milk or sugar. She would read the labels thoroughly before she buys anything and she doesn’t even look at the Ricoffy or House brands. Only the best will do. And so it is in the dating world. For some reason this metaphor just works wonderfully. How you shop seems to be how you date. Okay, I'm not saying men - or women for that matter - is like cans of corn or bars of soaps of pairs of jeans. I think it's more to do with how we make decisions about things. Shopping means you invest in something, whether temporarily or long-term and I think therefor we tap into the same thing we tap into when we shop - when we date. Isn’t it funny? So next time you are in a mall or a shopping centre or a stand-alone shop, stop and think about the way you like to do your shopping – it might be exactly the way you like to do your dating too ;)

Stranger

I've got a secret. For a long time now, I have noticed that whenever I concentrate on someone or even just notice them - maybe I see them on the bus or at the office or while I wait in line to buy a bus ticket, may it be a woman, child or man - when I concentrate on that person for just a few minutes every time I see them, it's almost a given that circumstances will cause us to talk to each other at one time or another.

Of course I don't do it deliberately and of course I don't think I'm the only person that has noticed this. My conclusion? Certain people are just meant to be in our lives. We are meant to cross each others paths. It's written in the stars or it's our destiny or fate - whatever you want to call it.

Also - I would like to think that it's our energies that attract us to these people. When I notice someone, it's usually because that person did something kind. Because that person has a sad look on her face or because that person looks so darn familiar. And whenever I see the person again, the same emotion I felt when I saw them the first time bubbles up inside of me.

I am intrigued by the sad person's story or by the kind person's gesture or by the familiarity of a person I've never met. And then before long I bump into them at the grocery store and they start talking to me as if they know me because they have noticed me too!

Everything happens for a reason and people come and go out of our lives but I think they leave behind something that changes us, in a small way or in a big way, forever. It doesn't matter how small the mark is that, that person leaves behind. It just might cause another small thing to happen and THAT will cause another small thing to happen and another and another until a really big thing happens and boom your life is changed FOREVER!

People say don't sweat the small stuff but I love the small things because it has the potential to cause something BIG somewhere down the line.

How to get over the loneliness...

Woah, just read my previous post - all I can say is; seriously Nita? You're not a quitter. That was a few weeks ago and today - despite having some bumps (working on a BLOODY public holiday!) I feel soooo much better. I guess I had to sink down to devil level, to rise up out of the ashes like a phoenix (heee haa!) and with the help of a little Gossip Girl - hahaha! There's nothing better than getting a preview of how rich, beautiful people also have sucky days - sucky moments and how they also make sucky decisions - even though it's all made up...

I think the best way to get out of that depressing hole of damnation (drama, drama, drama - I LAV it!), is to finally accept that you're screwed... Accept that you're alone and deal with it - swim in it, breath it in, choke on it a little and then smile and say cheese because sometimes...just sometimes it's just better to be alone. For one, you don't have to cover your fatness... you can walk around with clothes that show your love handles and boepie and no one will judge you. You don't have to be perky and smile at stupid jokes just to be polite. You can fart when you want to (I know gross but alas true). You can cry loudly like a baby and look ugly afterwards and enjoy looking like a witch because there's no one who'll look at your swollen eyes and red nose and think - MAN, she's ugly when she cries... You can have a crazy fit - there's no one to witness your psychoness - throw a few plates around to add to the craziness. You can even dance naked and wobble your fat tummy - no one will laugh, no one will gawk... Because...

You're a-freakin-lone! No one to judge, no one to stare, no one to make comments and you can do whatever you want!!! YAHOOOO! Being alone is freakin awesome! Awesome, I tell ya... But don't spill the beans now - this stays between us. How to get over being alone? Embrace it!!!

Boxed Up!

Stop trying to define me! Moulding me, putting me in a box. If I want to be taken seriously and if I want to be accepted, I have to watch these types of films, I have to eat this type of food, I have to conform to those norms, I have to wear these clothes, I have to read these books, drive this car, live in that area, have this job - STOP!!! Stop categorising people. Stop putting them in boxes. Stop forcing your opinion on them. Love them regardless. I look around and all I see is people labelling people, grouping them up. No, we don't associate with those types. If you like reading trashy romantic novels or gossip magazines, you're dumb - you're stupid, you don't know better. I consider myself smarter than you because I like reading the New York Times and books about forensic science. If you don't have a car - we assume that you're lazy to get your licence, or that you can't afford a car - what about it's your choice because you get along okay without one.

So quick to judge, so quick to make assumptions. And I have discovered that labels are shackles. You buy into it and believe it and before long you're a prisoner living in a counterfeit world. Recently I myself made that mistake. My brother took a leap - a leap of faith and I was totally against it. I put him in a box and I didn't want him to leave his box but his passion was so strong that I didn't have any other choice but to stand back and let him fly. Maybe he'll crash, maybe he'll soar but whatever the case, I'll still be here - I'll still love him and I'll forever respect him for opening my eyes.

I think we should accept that we are all different and its okay. How boring would life be if we all lived the same in our similar houses and if we had the same ideas, read the same books, listened to the same music, eat the same food. I won't be boxed. No I REFUSE to be boxed and defined. How do you think Apartheid came to exist, sexism, homophobia. Stop labelling, stop boxing!

Changing the world, starts with you. It's not impossible. NOTHING is impossible.

What lies ahead

I guess we're all haunted by ghosts. I thought time would ease my pain and give me a powerful weapon - wisdom - but that doesn't mean that life gets easier or that it gets better or that ghosts disappear. They remain... I guess to remind you of the past and of the mistakes you've made.

2010 is here and for many, this is a year of opportunity and a year of celebration but for me it’s a year of uncertainty. I seriously don't know what to do. I don't know if I'm happy or sad, coming or going, leaving or staying. I have NO plan. No back-up. I feel naked and vulnerable.

It's only the beginning of the year and already my ghosts have returned to torment me and to unsettle me. I feel my back against the wall and I am doubting myself, looking back at the decisions I have made in 2009 - questioning if I made the right ones.

2010 will be a year of soul-searching, of contemplating and of re-building. But come hell or high water - I intend to get through it and to learn from it and to safely get to the other side – ghosts or no ghosts.