Reflection

I was about fifteen and me and my father were working on getting to know each other better. I remember he asked me, “What do you want the most out of life?” My response was simple, “I just want love and happiness.” His was, “Is that all?”

He went on and with a puzzled look on his face, he asked me if I didn’t want a car, a house, possessions… and as young and stupid as I was then, I pitied him. We were on different levels. He valued possessions and status; I was more interested in emotions, morals and spirituality.

He was trying to figure out what he could give me to make me happy. What possession, that is… and I guess he didn’t quite understand that just being there when I needed him would have done the trick. He wasn’t there… never. Guess he never figured it out.

My relationship with my father or lack thereof, has definitely and will probably forever influence the relationships I have with various men in my life. I have issues with abandonment, trust and probably a whole lot of other stuff I am not even aware of. I work hard at relationships and often go overboard to show my affection. At the back of my mind I always believe that somewhere down the line; this man will let me down. Whether it’s an uncle, a brother or a boyfriend.

Circumstances have shaped my identity - who I am today. I guess I will have to work on trying to overcome the obstacles created by my past but I’m also stronger because of it and I’m thankful that I can see why it was maybe necessary.