Sometimes I feel so weak. Burdened with responsibilities and doing the right thing, being an example to my peers and maintaining my lifestyle and the image I am portraying to the world. And then there are those times when I just want to let go. When I just want to forget about all the heavy burdens and pain life has dealt me and when I just want to fly far away. And then I let myself go, I let myself soar, I forget about the restrictions of everyday life and enjoy the freedom I get to taste - if only for a little while. But these moments have consequences and a rather expensive price to pay sometimes. You get punished for your need to be free. You get punished for stepping out of your box. By people, by institutions, by the law, by yourself.
Once upon a time, I believed that I would never apologise for being happy and making myself happy but somehow, somewhere things have changed and I find myself apologising all the time! And suddenly I can't trust anyone. The more people I surround myself with, the more unsure I become of their motives and my path. It corrupts me on the inside - not being able to trust anyone. It makes me paranoid and it disrupts my focus because I can't be happy with someone whom I don't trust.
All I'm hoping for is that I'll be able to find a path towards my happiness, towards sanity, towards freedom. Without feeling guilty (which is also a price one pays) and without being punished for going after what I need and what I crave and what I think I deserve.
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